Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Slog Race Report...

When not gchatting with Lauren about being down to my FINAL PIECE OF TRIDENT LAYERS STRAWBERRY/CITRUS REAL FRUIT (FLAVOR) gum, horror of all horrors, she and I gmail with pro: triathlete/pharma sales rep/half and full IM MEX race announcer Amy Kloner*.

Today's topic of discussion: race reports... and keeping it real. We like honesty at the slog, and if our race reports are any indication, year one of pro racing is no cake walk.

In a Lauren race report (RR), you'll see a combination of the following:

-extreme bitterness and focus on self... the only volunteer shout out she provides is to the guy who directed her off-course at Oceanside 70.3 (granted she volunteers at her husband's Xterra races)

-images of flames

-the words: hell, fire, blasted foot, tears, crying, drowning, shut up matt, shut the ___ up matt

-jpgs titled "run death march"

2.5 WEEKS into the 2010 season already, and Lauren is singing a different tune (out of key, just like her piano she promised would be tuned months ago) and foresees RRs filled with rainbows and sunshine... or at least less fire and brimstone.

And so as not to appear mean-spirited and one-sided, I'll provide Lauren's blanket statement about my RRs (that come to fruition 75% of the time):

Lauren: A PURSE RR consists of talking about with whom she came out of the water and then a digression into how to cook an egg bomb and where to shop for the finest ingredients

Below, Lauren having phun with her new IPHONE!

She pings me everytime she walks the dogs or breathes... Lauren left work 5 min ago and already emailed: "Did u miss me"

I'll post now so she has a 'present' to read before embarking on her evening bike ride in the training funhouse. GTWD SLOOT

*Amy and I met while waiting for Clearwater slot roll-downs after Eagleman 70.3. At the time, she was unfamiliar with the clearwater race, but my anxiety over 'receiving' the slot (i.e., the opportunity to pay $300 for a race 6 mos down the pipe) rated its desirability: EXTREMELY HIGH. The remaining slot rolllled to 8th (that would be Kloner... I was 9th). She gave a cutesy smile, told me she was taking the slot then BORROWED a blank check from someone (NOT ME, obviously, as I would not fund such an act) to claim her slot. She earned it... no hard feelings...


    The bullshit part about it is that I was familiar with the stupid race. I had been there twice before. It was simple psychology: I didn't really care about it until YOU WANTED IT. Then of course, I had to have it. Man that wasted $300 sure does taste delicious now.

    And I forgot about the BORROWED check! How funny was that?!!! See? I had no intentions of even planning on going. If you had kept your pie hole shut, YOU'D be $300 poorer and not ME!! Dammit.

  2. And if that slot had rolled down to you, Purse, you wouldn't have been able to attend the LAHP WC. the horror.

  3. ... and more importantly, she wouldn't have been able to attend the life-changing Longhorn people-meeting expo.

  4. Ohhhhhh awesome. I'm pretty sure I've followed the best girls ever to learn properly for the rookie pro season. Seriously. No really. Hmmmm, well whatever, maybe.